Being a zig zag.

On the weekend I went to Bendigo - on my own - to stay with my sister Sarah. It's strange to travel on your own when you are so used to always being with little people. It made me realise that I am NEVER alone. It's hard to relax and turn off the watchful-at-the-ready #for drinks-food-questions-injuries-cleaning- toilet-shoes-teaching-nosewiping-rescuing- conflict resolving# part of the brain. It's constant.
 
In fact, on Saturday I was at a loss. Sarah was at her drama group and I was wandering around the centre of town. I had to literally tell myself DON'T PANIC! RELAX!

a) there's no rush 
b) You have time and 
c) permission - to just wander.
d) stop feeling guilty!
 

And somehow I fell into the wandering days of my youth in Bendigo and went to some of my old haunts.

I went to the art gallery, the park, my old high school, book shops and the op shops. 

I found this wonderfully huge printed silk dress (which I will hopefully transform into an equally wonderfully not so huge printed silk dress)

This fantastic book on zig zag needlework.

It's made me realise how being available to everyone as a mother/wife/sister/friend, necessitates the fencing off of the free, wandering, creative part of your mind. The focus is always (over) half on others; work and duty. And they do seem to be mutually exclusive to some extent. You can dabble in the creative life - still dip your toes in and even wade - but you can't dive in and be submerged or swim off into the horizon. It's a zig zag.

Needless to say, I was completely relieved to get home to the brood and all their demands and the parametres they create on my mind ...and they way they expand my heart..