A long time ago, way back when I had only two toddlers, I decided to make a cake for my eldest daughter's second birthday. I wanted it to look like her favourite picture from her favourite picture book, "The Baby Catalogue" by Janet and Allan Ahlberg. I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to create a wicker basket texture in the icing and felt as though I had failed miserably.
Little did I know then that I was setting myself up for annual birthday requests to conjure a birthday girl/boy's dream in flour, eggs, butter and icing.
Growing up, we would pick a cake from the classic Women's
Weekly Birthday Cake Book and my mum would recreate it beautifully - to
instructions. We had the piano, the train, the clock, the paint pallet, the typewriter - so many!
My kids mostly seem to want to create original never
before thought of cakes. Usually I take it as a challenge. Get excited...then stressed...then really stressed...then lick my fingers too much while using icing, then feel sick, I'm racing the clock, I'm spending zilch time with the kids, I'm having structural disasters, there are cake crumbs flying everywhere and I'm feeling high on glucose like I've been snorting icing sugar.
There have been Dolly Varden cakes, Eiffel tower cakes, swimming pool cakes even a Grotto of chocolate crackles to house a Virgin Mary statue. There was Shang from Mulan, a duckling, Mr. Potato head, Trotro, My Neighbour Totoro, trains and more trains.
Now I think I retire. I'm a complete disaster in the food colouring and icing confectionary department. I can't handle it any more.
All the birthdays come at once. In the last month I have made a swimming pool, an Olaf the Snowman from Frozen and a ten layer Princess and the Pea bed.
(The princess and the pea was a ten layer cake - five cakes bakes separately) in different colours. The bed ends were pretzels I dipped in chocolate and put together)
It
takes up too much time and effort and stress! I don't think I can do
it! I'm no good at it! I AM that pinterest disaster person! I'm over it!
I DON'T EVEN EAT CAKE! I AM ALLERGIC TO CAKE! I AM A CAKE-TASTROPHY!
Yet I know that when next year comes around and a little voice says, "Please Mum can my birthday cake this year be the Taj Mahal in meringue" I will probably say yes.
On the weekend I went to Bendigo - on my own - to stay with my sister Sarah. It's strange to travel on your own when you are so used to always being with little people. It made me realise that I am NEVER alone. It's hard to relax and turn off the watchful-at-the-ready #for drinks-food-questions-injuries-cleaning- toilet-shoes-teaching-nosewiping-rescuing- conflict resolving# part of the brain. It's constant.
In fact, on Saturday I was at a loss. Sarah was at her drama group and I was wandering around the centre of town. I had to literally tell myself DON'T PANIC! RELAX!
a) there's no rush
b) You have time and
c) permission - to just wander.
d) stop feeling guilty!
And somehow I fell into the wandering days of my youth in Bendigo and went to some of my old haunts.
I went to the art gallery, the park, my old high school, book shops and the op shops.
I found this wonderfully huge printed silk dress (which I will hopefully transform into an equally wonderfully not so huge printed silk dress)
This fantastic book on zig zag needlework.
It's made me realise how being available to everyone as a mother/wife/sister/friend, necessitates the fencing off of the free, wandering, creative part of your mind. The focus is always (over) half on others; work and duty. And they do seem to be mutually exclusive to some extent. You can dabble in the creative life - still dip your toes in and even wade - but you can't dive in and be submerged or swim off into the horizon. It's a zig zag.
Needless to say, I was completely relieved to get home to the brood and all their demands and the parametres they create on my mind ...and they way they expand my heart..
