Monday, August 24, 2015

The week my life became and a Smiths song....


otherwise entitled:
My Disastrous Adventures in Employment-land
Seriously, this is how I looked last week - that EXACT facial expression....

Okay. So you know when you think you want something and you can’t seem to get it and you keep wanting and trying and compromising until what you want is reduced to lowest common denominator and then something vaguely similar is offered to you and you go, "yeah why not? Isn't this what I want?" and you take it and then see what you have and discover it isn't ANYTHING like what you wanted and it’s really bad and maybe you don't even know what you want and you have a nervous breakdown or something like it that involves lonely walks in the dark and an insistent drippiness from your eyes otherwise known as tears and then you have to undo all that you have done or else you feel like you might explode and it's all your fault in the first place and you feel like maybe you're too old to be making these mistakes but you have made your bed now and have to lie in it but you can't so you get out of bed and run away like Goldilocks from the three bears????

Or does that stuff just happen to me?
 
It's like you really want some brioche and you go looking and looking and there are none to be had and you look for days and days and then days turn into weeks and weeks into months and you're hungrier and hungrier for that brioche and then someone offers you a rock cake and you think, "yeah brioche, rock cake, same dif, thanks I'll take it "  and you take a bite and break a tooth and spit it out because it is nothing like what you craved and then you have an allergic reaction to it and your face blows up like a puffer fish and you remember that you're allergic to all things wheat and yeast including brioche anyway but somehow you'd forgotten?

What I mean is, sometimes in the looking we lose sight of the prize because we get lost in the sense of our own desire. 


So this is what happened to me last week. And I can't put it better than Mr Steven Patrick Morrissey himself because last week my life literally embodied the song "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"  and I played it like a well -oiled Johnny Marr riff and sang along like a warbling busker. Come on. Join in with me.....

"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
and heaven knows I'm miserable now

In my life
why do I give valuable time
to people who don't care if I live or die"
 


So part of me had a mini nervous break down that I’m still like a petulant teenager who expects more from life than a dumbass menial job and part of me had a mini nervous breakdown that I was in my mid forties and still having to do a dumbass menial job like a teenager.*
 
 

Do you get me?
 
It’s never too late to get to know yourself better. So don’t fall into the gap of countering rejection with acceptance of any sort. Keep your eyes on the prize. Don't give in to the lure of the $$$ over your soul.
 
So now I will move along whistling to another Smiths track...
"please, please, please, let me, get what I want...Lord knows it would be the first time..."
 
 

* I know...will I ever grow up???
**Just joking - I'm a blessed little creature with lots to be grateful for.
 

5 comments:

  1. I live with dark and endless well of hope and dreams. Without it I would be lost.

    It would be too trite of me to say that I know what you're going through, but I have a sense of it. You're such a cool person; you're the cool person so many people secretly want to be. So at least if you work at that job, dress to the absolute limit and rock out wherever you possibly can.

    But I do hope (drawing from that pit) that you do get what you want. We must believe, we MUST, as creators, believe that dreams come true. You're only in your mid-40s and I think THAT's something to celebrate. Cheers to you, my favourite outlaw.

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    1. You are too sweet or should I say schweet?? Creativity versus practicality is a bit of endless battle isn't it? And yes - if we give up on dreams we'd be lost but so often our dreams have to be on the back burner. Simmer simmer simmer.....

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  2. Oh dearie me Julianne!
    My favourite line from a Smiths song is "I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear..." which is too, too trite (to quote Melanie above) when compared with your "disasterous adventures in employment land" It may take time for you to get the job you want, but you will J because you're just too amazingly clever (and beautiful) not to.
    I am going to show this post to my daughter who has been through a very similar work epiphany (she has(d) an extremely well paid graduate position in the bag next year and has decided not to accept it because...well, re-read those Smiths lyrics - you'll get the gist)
    Now this next bit is totally unrelated but yesterday, while op-shopping for bits to make my Madeline costume for book week (Hello!!!) I found a little something with your name written ALL OVER it! I didn't know you were miserable (although we do have that mystical interstate mind reading connection thingy going on) but it's going to cheer you up big time! Now I will bid you adieu before I spill the beans. Stay tuned :)
    Hang in there xxx

    p.s. please forgive grammar etc. I have a rotten headache (work related)

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  3. I agree. It DOES look like you!

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  4. I feel like any comment that I make here is going to be inane when compared to your wise words. Eyes on the prize -- exactly. You deserve better and keep that in mind at all times! Too right to the lady who wrote about rocking it out and having the best possible time wherever you do find yourself, too.......

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